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• Be straight: Your progressive parents will be FURIOUS. Even more so if you’re already white.

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• Clean your room: A sure sign you’ve been radicalized by the Neo-Nazi Jordan Peterson.

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• Hide your puberty blockers under your tongue and then spit them out when your parents aren’t watching: They’ll wonder whatever happened to the sweet trans kid they raised.

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• Sneak out late at night to volunteer at the crisis pregnancy center: Make sure you put pillows under your sheets so they’ll think you’re still in bed while you’re out saving babies.

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• Start every sentence with “Tucker Carlson says…”: A sure way to make lefty parents FLIP OUT!

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• Start dating a polite, well-raised member of the opposite sex: Then get married early and raise a loving family. They’ll be SO triggered!

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• Never turn off the lights to prove you’re not worried about climate change: “DAaaad! I’m not a climate denier! You’re just brainwashed by the mainstream media!”

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• Go to church: Just tell them you’re going to a drag queen story hour and they’ll never know.

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• Be happy: Happy?? While the planet is dying and democracy is on the brink of collapse due to Donald Trump? Disgusting.

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• Pray when they aren’t looking: Just do it silently. God will still hear your earnest prayer for a hot conservative spouse to start a huge traditional family with!Darwin Awards – 2022nHere is the glorious winner:

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n1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.nnAnd now, the honorable mentions:nn2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence’ sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine, and he also lost a finger… The chef’s claim was approved.nn3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.nn4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies… The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.nn5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.nn6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?nn7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block(?) through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So, he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape…nn8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”nn9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast…. The man, frustrated, walked away.nn10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for… Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.n

For you Lexophiles

n“Lexophile” is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.” A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year’s winning submission is posted at the very end.n.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.nn.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.nn.. The batteries were given out free of charge.nn.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.nn.. A will is a dead giveaway.nn.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.nn.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.nn.. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.nn.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.nn.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.nn.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.n.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.nn.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.nn.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.nn.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.n

And the cream of the twisted crop:n.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

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ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN … IT’S CHEAP MEDICINE.

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More from MurphynEditor’s Note: Brought tears to my eyes 🙁

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